Keep Pillows Close

Stridex makes my face burn when hit by tears.

I’ve been really missing my mom lately. I’ve called her several times this week is quite unusual when you consider that I’ve gone for months without talking to her.

I guess I just missing being in a family-like atmosphere. Of course, when I lived with her I missed having a family then too. It seems that this feeling will only increase.

Right now I would love to live with her while I go to college, maybe PBCC; move back to Florida. She just moved to a new house, with her new fiance, and her newer children. I’m not part of that. Anymore.

I fucked it up, just like everything else. And really, she doesn’t want much to do with me. She’ll answer the phone, but she doesn’t want her new nuclear family to be interrupted, and I can’t blame her.

Right now I only feel like coming on here if I have good news. I do not.

However, it is a new day. I’m not going to worry about the horrors of yesterday, nor the ones that may come tomorrow. What can I do today?

I weighed myself a few hours ago. I gave in. 13.8 lbs. I thought that was bad. Then I went to Tammy’s and ate enchilidas and fajitas and cake. Over 15. Great. Just fucking great. I put on over three pounds in one day.

I tried to purge when I got home to little avail. On the third or fourth attempt, a bit came up. I don’t think this anything to rely on.

I feel like I just took it for granted. 112. I was walking around Leon this morning, wearing this pants that really accentuated my legs, waist. T-shirt, no bra. I looked thin, I even thought so at the time.

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Real time interruption. The Bonnie just showed up with a cake and frosting for me to put on it. I kid you not. Oh the irony. What the fuck.

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But hell, I got there in a week. This time last week, I had never even been under 116, which I am still under now. Really, three pounds is not that big of a difference. I’m sure that by morning one will have disappeared already. A few days, and I’ll be back. Plus, with the fast yesterday, it’s expected to gain maybe a pound over the next few days.

I’m tempted to just not eat tomorrow, but I can’t help but think that not eating leads me to be binge. Then I really think about it and realize that there is no correlation between my binges.

Gah, I’m out of control. Think thin, think thin..

oh jesus...

I am in deep shit!

This morning I woke up and weighed exactly 112 pounds. My all time low. Quite a big deal.

Breakfast was almost problematic. I pulled out this Mexican candy that I’ve been holding to for a while and absolutely obessing about. I had one bite and threw it away. I had a piece of toast with bread. I juice fasted yesterday. I then went and took the SAT (probably not the best time, but whatever. I’m sure I did alright..).

I got back around two. I decided to boil some carrots and mash them for lunch even though it was a bit late. While they were cooking I got bored and started eating peanuts. No big deal. Yet.

After the carrot puree and peanuts, I started to lose it a little for the first time in an excellent food week. I dug the mexican candy out of the trash (it was wrapped up…) and ate it. I ate raw cheese. But I put the bag down and went to read a book, repeating to myself aloud the entire time that I did not want to binge. A half hour later I ended up in the kitchen as everyone left. I ate a brownie. I ate all the cereal. I ate the cheese. I ate a chimichanga. I ate another brownie.

I panicked. I haven’t had a full out binge in maybe two weeks, and tomorrow I’m going to go see the coolest person I have ever met and I haven’t seen since June. I want to look good. A few pounds heavier wouldn’t be a big deal since I’ve lost over fifteen since I last saw him, but I do not want to have the pregnant stomach.

So. I purged. For the first time.

I tried to once before, over a year ago, couldn’t get it to work, and gave up. I never tried again because I was always a little afraid that I would get hooked to it. I’d much rather have the control to starve myself.

I did it three times, not much came up. I doubt even half. However I was surprised by how easy it was once I finally did it. I always thought it would be more like being sick for real, feeling sick. No. One second you have your finger down your throat and the next, there is food in the toilet. It wasn’t loud either. The only time I made audible gagging sounds were times when I couldn’t get it out.

I don’t want to become dependent on this though. I so much prefer to fast, to stick to my 100 calorie units etc… At least that way I enjoy food. With just a tiny bit every day, it holds its value. When I binge, I don’t taste it. It’s wasted. I could be eating anything.

All I’ve been thinking about this past week is how this is finally different, and what my mom’s side of the family will say when I go to see them this Christmas. The looks on their faces. I also worried about how I would probably gain while there. That’s sad. I should be thinking of the good times we’ll have. All I really know though is that I don’t want to be throwing up in their toilet.

The worst part is that any minute now I’m going to be going over to Tammy’s, we were invited for dinner. Fuck. I knew this the whole time and tried to tell myself that I should just wait to eat until then. But no… I’ll at least try to hold back on food there. No more purging.

I mean, the only reason I would purge is I binge by myself. I can’t blame other people at all. When I’m with others I can get away with eating hardly anything, as this week goes to show.

I’m afraid to get back on the scale, see how far I am from that beautiful twelve. I’ll do it in the morning..

I’m now less than a week away from last first day of school. I’m going to be a senior, meaning I should rule the school, be confident, no worries about high school bullshit.

But no, of course I’m still concerned about the first day, about making friends, about being normal. When am I ever going to just grow up? Am I always going to be this confused about every single thing in my life?

I’ve been doing very well lately. For some reason I feel like I have forever freed myself from binges. Sometimes I’ll get the urge to eat, but it won’t be to binge.

I’m a tad stressed about school. The first day is a week from Monday. All summer I couldn’t wait for it to start back up so I would have something to do all day, keep my mind occupied. Not now though.

I guess it has to do with the people more than anything else. I’ve recently been thinking a lot about friends, and how I really miss having Emily around. That’s probably been the only time in my life where I could say I had some real ones, and of course that was only one friend.

This’ll be my final year of high school, the last chance to have that high school female best friend thing. I miss it so much. And it only makes it 1000 times worse knowing that I’ll never have that again. I know every person in my school. There are only about 250 kids total, about 50 in my class, and I don’t have a chance of getting along past the school surface level with any of them. They’re all the same.

Yesterday I bought my digital scale, and it said I weighed 119. The other said 116. Wtf. I guess I’ll go by the digital for now on, but I’ll hold onto them both.

Sometimes I wish my scars were more prominent. The youngest are about at about 6 months, oldest 3 years. None of them stick out at all, the cuts are just a bit darker in color than the rest of my skin. Then it would be more obvious to people what I am. We could skip the regular conversations leading up to my past; they would simply see and get far away. Normal people don’t want to associate with me. My type, we run in packs; either that or live a life of solitude.

The only people who have ever noticed were a few people on my mom’s side of the family, this month. I went to school with both arms sliced, still bleeding, and no one said a thing. Sure I wore a jacket every day, but up to the tips of my fingers were the cuts, even every line on the palm of my left hand had been carved. No one said a thing.

Other times I wish they weren’t there. I’d be that much closer to flawless.

thank the lord

116! Okay, it’s not really much of a loss, 1.5 pounds (plus I was wearing clothes when I just weighed myself). But considering that I was just on vacation for two weeks (and everyone pigs out like mad on vacation) I’d say that’s amazing. If I can survive in that anti-weight loss environment, I can definitely lose loads of weight now since my dad doesn’t pay attention at all (he was just talking with some people outside, so I took a huge risk and got my scale down).

I still don’t trust it though. Definitely getting a new one on Monday, even though I’ll have to spend basically what’s left of my money.

I had a good time on vacation. It saddens me to see my grandparents though. They’re getting old, in the mind, and it’s starting to show.

I did pretty well for the most part considering that every single person on that side of the family is an extreme food pusher and is always checking if I’ve ate (this is done to everyone, not just me). The second week was better than the first. I would usually have a grits for breakfast and a piece of fruit or something for lunch. Then dinner would be some meal they cooked, but I always held back. Never getting seconds of course.

I actually think I somehow lost some weight during the last two weeks. How this is possible, I’m not sure. But in the nude, I think I look a little thinner and I’ve noticed my hip bone is judding out a bit more (this is great motivation for me, just feeling it). There were no scales in sight the whole time, so I’m waiting for my dad to leave for a few hours so I can get mine out from where I hid it in the ceiling tiles. I’m going to buy a new digital one this week, I don’t trust the one I have now for some reason. I think it always underweighs me.

I’m back.

I was going to purge the first and seconds I had had of dinner, but I just couldn’t do it. I never seem to be able to pull it off. I was so lost in angry thoughts through my shower that I forgot to brush my teeth, so I continued eating and eating and eating afterwards.

It’s like if my body gets just a taste of food it forces me to eat everything to prepare for any starving that’s likely to occur later.

It really wasn’t that bad when it was just the dinner. Would have been less than 1000 calories all day, not ideal but okay. But no!!! I just had to eat more! What is wrong with me?!

Fuck

Tomorrow, I will eat NOTHING! No solids! Maybe I’ll be able to make up for this bullshit. I’m out of control.